Sunday, September 27, 2009

My conversation with TOTUS

I just got done SKYPEing with TOTUS. Although we work for people on complete opposite sides of the political spectrum, TOTUS and I are very good friends. Unfortunately, TOTUS has been very busy, so we haven't had the chance to talk much lately. He and the Great Opologizer (TOTUS calls him Big Guy) have given a lot speeches in his first 9 months in office. TOTUS told me he has gotten pretty tired with all of the work he's been doing, and with the repetition of what the President is saying. He is tired of seeing the words "crisis", "from the brink", "let me be clear" "I" and "me" running across his screen all of time. He told that the Great Opologizer has actually used the words "I" and "me" nearly 1200 times in 41 of his speeches so far this year. TOTUS even told me that he got so bored during one speech that he fell asleep and fell off of his stand!

After exchanging pleasantries and catching up, TOTUS asked me what it was like to work with Madame. I told him it was amazing! I was having so much fun working on her soon-to-be bestselling book, Facebook posts, op-ed pieces, and occasionally helping the kids with their homework. TOTUS then asked me a strange question, "Well, how does Madame type?".

"What do you mean", I said.

"Well, if she is clinging bitterly to her guns and her religion, how does she have the hands and fingers to type?", TOTUS asked.

"Poor,TOTUS", I replied, " You have spent too much around Big Guy, and it has made you confused and misinformed. Madame clings happily to her faith and joyfully expresses her 2nd amendment rights. It's a figurative thing, not a literal thing, TOTUS".

"Oh, I see", TOTUS said.

We didn't have much time left, but I had to ask him what Big Guy thinks about Madame 45. TOTUS told me he was quite afraid of Madame. He thinks she is going to take his job in a few years! In fact, anytime Madame writes a post on Facebook or gives a big speech, he runs to Rahm Emmanuel calling out Elton John lyrics, "Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer". You see TOTUS calls Rahm "Toes", but the Great Opologizer calls him "Tiny Dancer".

Sadly, I didn't get the chance to ask him about the Botosi (that's what I call Nancy Pelosi) or FLOTUS (Michelle Obama) thinks about Madame. Oh well, perhaps next time! I hope Madame keeps TOTUS on staff, and we will get to hang out!


Anonymous said...

Nice dialougue Whitney! I've been only doing it with Madame and LOTUS. TOTUS was good!
And Madame will keep TOTUS on staff, because she has such a kind heart!

thirtynine said...

LOTUS, I feel so sorry for TOTUS. I'm sure Madame will keep him on. But you may have to spend a great deal of your time consoling him since he won't be used very often once she takes over.